17th October 2008 (Friday)

On 17th October 2008(Friday), my beloved grandmother left us all to reunite with her husband in the other world, after 13years.

The first time, I come in contact with a dead body. She's so cold. Motionless. The thought of it just makes me tear. I held her hand, but I didn't feel her grip. I looked at her, talked to her, but she didn't respond to me. Before she's being pushed off for coroner's check, I gave her a kiss on her forehead and said 'byebye', like I always do when I bid her goodbye in the Hospital. Until now, I just cannot believe she have left us, totally. I really miss her..

I felt regretful, for I actually had the chance to see her for the last time, but due to some reasons, I delayed the time I had to go to the hospital, and by the time i reached the Hospital, I was 10 minutes late to see her for the last time...

Time is really precious. Even one second can make a difference. Moreover it's 10 minutes.

Her funeral/wake is over. Last day on Tuesday, the critical day. The day we would totally not see her anymore. The feeling - indescribable. Even when burning the incense papers, I know she's still physically around and I still talked to her, looked at her. Changing her water for washing up every morning. Making sure the joss sticks doesn't burn out and what so ever. I tried to be strong but at times I really could not control. I wasn't even prepared to be praying at her. The thought of it, really feels like a sharp needle piercing through my heart. Though I wasn't close to her before she had stroke, but during her time when she was bed ridden after she was down with stroke, I did my part to take care of her. Getting to know more about her medical condition so that when help is needed, I can do my part. Keeping her happy, visiting her frequently especially when she's in the Hospital, to the extend, some nurses and other visitors thought she was my mother as seldom would people see grandchildren visiting their grandparents alone and late at night, looking after her and accompanying her. Now I want to do more is also too late. Cremation was the most difficult part, for I know, I'll never get to see her again, not physically. The part when I see her coffin being pushed in for cremataion by an automated machine, the feeling was like - I know she's leaving us totally, and that I'll never get to see her again. That was the part that hurt the most......

I wanna thank all my friends, colleagues, relatives who helped contributed. 有心了。And also friends who were there for me and helped me in any way especially Jessie, Angeline, ChinLik, Ryan, Derick, Salim, buddee FuSheng, TF and Allisson. 大家有心了。

I extended my leave for the whole week for certain things had happened and I do not wish to say it here. However, I just would like to take a break from everything.. I took a walk in Pasir Ris Park - Alone. Enjoying the breeze and looking at happy families and couples together... So envious...

Another 2 days and I have to be back to work. Time flies.. Unbeliveable. But this is reality. She's gone for exactly one week as of today..I even faced diffuculty typing this entry as I don't know how to describe the feelings and I'm still crying at the same time. I really miss her...

"Ma ma, I miss you a lot. Hope you are well and okay and have reunited with Ye Ye. Be happy and bless the family with your love. You are free from your suffering and hope you are enjoying life with Ye Ye now. Take Care..."