Friday, October 24, 2008

17th October 2008 (Friday)

On 17th October 2008(Friday), my beloved grandmother left us all to reunite with her husband in the other world, after 13years.

The first time, I come in contact with a dead body. She's so cold. Motionless. The thought of it just makes me tear. I held her hand, but I didn't feel her grip. I looked at her, talked to her, but she didn't respond to me. Before she's being pushed off for coroner's check, I gave her a kiss on her forehead and said 'byebye', like I always do when I bid her goodbye in the Hospital. Until now, I just cannot believe she have left us, totally. I really miss her..

I felt regretful, for I actually had the chance to see her for the last time, but due to some reasons, I delayed the time I had to go to the hospital, and by the time i reached the Hospital, I was 10 minutes late to see her for the last time...

Time is really precious. Even one second can make a difference. Moreover it's 10 minutes.

Her funeral/wake is over. Last day on Tuesday, the critical day. The day we would totally not see her anymore. The feeling - indescribable. Even when burning the incense papers, I know she's still physically around and I still talked to her, looked at her. Changing her water for washing up every morning. Making sure the joss sticks doesn't burn out and what so ever. I tried to be strong but at times I really could not control. I wasn't even prepared to be praying at her. The thought of it, really feels like a sharp needle piercing through my heart. Though I wasn't close to her before she had stroke, but during her time when she was bed ridden after she was down with stroke, I did my part to take care of her. Getting to know more about her medical condition so that when help is needed, I can do my part. Keeping her happy, visiting her frequently especially when she's in the Hospital, to the extend, some nurses and other visitors thought she was my mother as seldom would people see grandchildren visiting their grandparents alone and late at night, looking after her and accompanying her. Now I want to do more is also too late. Cremation was the most difficult part, for I know, I'll never get to see her again, not physically. The part when I see her coffin being pushed in for cremataion by an automated machine, the feeling was like - I know she's leaving us totally, and that I'll never get to see her again. That was the part that hurt the most......

I wanna thank all my friends, colleagues, relatives who helped contributed. 有心了。And also friends who were there for me and helped me in any way especially Jessie, Angeline, ChinLik, Ryan, Derick, Salim, buddee FuSheng, TF and Allisson. 大家有心了。

I extended my leave for the whole week for certain things had happened and I do not wish to say it here. However, I just would like to take a break from everything.. I took a walk in Pasir Ris Park - Alone. Enjoying the breeze and looking at happy families and couples together... So envious...

Another 2 days and I have to be back to work. Time flies.. Unbeliveable. But this is reality. She's gone for exactly one week as of today..I even faced diffuculty typing this entry as I don't know how to describe the feelings and I'm still crying at the same time. I really miss her...

"Ma ma, I miss you a lot. Hope you are well and okay and have reunited with Ye Ye. Be happy and bless the family with your love. You are free from your suffering and hope you are enjoying life with Ye Ye now. Take Care..."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

update of my life..

it's time to update a little on my life..

It has been really much better in my heaven.. I really can't remember when was the last time i felt like this already.

So relaxed, so carefree, worry-less..
I laugh any way I liked.
Laughed out all the way.
Party like no one cares.
Have fun like the world is mine..
~But..i kinda miss them. =X *sighs* ~

I'm reading a book called 'Happiness in a Nutshell' and one of the pages says this...


Life goes like this...
We get hit by little pebbles - as a kind of warning.
When we ignore the pebbles, we get hit by a brick.
Ignore the brick and we get wiped out by a boulder.
If we are honest, we can see where we have ignored the warning signs.
And then we have the nerve to say:"Why me?!"
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Loving people means giving then the freedom to be who they choose to be and where they choose to be.
Love is allowing people to be in your life out of choice.
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To find, you have to seek.
If you have lost your life direction, you probably won't find it between drinks at the local bar.
Give yourself a break, give yourself some time and space to examine what counts for you.
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Makes sense doesn't it? Beautiful isn't it? =)
Sometimes I'm still quite confused. I don't know what exactly I want. Now that I'm in heaven, I feel something missing. I liked the happiness I'm having. I have the freedom, carefree-ness, partiful life. Quite a few people had contributed to these. Jessie and friends, Jiabao and friends, TF, Angeline&Xavier, FuSheng and Friends, Ryan, Derick, My Aunt Joanne and family.. I don't know how am I suppose to thank them for helping me. Certain things might have happened, but I've got through it. and I felt happier. To know the truth and also to know I'm more important and known. I've made changes to myself during this time. I've become more daring, in terms of dressing myself up and being the pretty me. I've put on make up, to look younger, to hide my panda eyes and to look prettier. I've become more focused. I've slowly learned to let go. I've got through quite a few things.. I've become a better person..
Coming Saturday is buddee FuSheng's BirthDATE! =) I'm so looking forward to it. and I've managed to arrange something out with my manager so that I can have both sides of the world. hahah. For my buddee.. =) I'll definitely be there..
Also, TF's day also coming. When it comes to our birthdays, it always makes me laugh because we owe each other 3 years of presents. LOL! and we know what it is. hahaha.. =) TF! I'm still waiting!!!!! I was chatting with him some time ago and some things he told me, really touched me a lot. The extra mile he did for me. The times he was there for me. No words could describe the thankfulness I have for him. The one who never fails to bring the smile on me. The one who was always there for me. 3 years.. I'll never forget what he said. Friendship don't count by the number of years, it counts by the heart. =) It's our hearts that counts. =)
Loves,
Emmeline

Sunday, October 12, 2008

miracle....

I went to visit my miracle doctor on Thursday.. at Ang Mo Kio.. It was like 10 years ago since i last visited that clinic. LOL it's my childhood doctor. hahah.. hey do not have my records anymore when I went there. LOL! 10 years already man! LOL! BUT!!! the receptionist and the Doctor still can remember me!!!! LOL!!! OMG that goes to shoe that my features really never change. LOL!!! well, miracle doctor gave me medication which was really miracle. She told me to take the medication first den go and eat normal food but of course not too large a portion la. and i did so. MIRACULOUSLY i did not vomit!!! but... i tried a few times not taking the medication and went to eat, and i vomitted. I do not want to rely on the medication. But it seems like i have to have my medication before i have my meal otherwise i will vomit. goodness gracious.. so damn sad... =(

Been hearing many people's experience with gastric and going for scope and people asking me to go for scope.. which i'm so afraid of.. =( Should i go for scope?? =S hai.. i'm really scared!!!! =X oh gosh....

Monday, October 6, 2008

bad bad bad...

It's horrible.. My gastric is giving me problems for close to a month already! and it got worst! I vomitted my dinner on Wednesday night and took a long time to decide to go to the doctor on thursday morning. Doctor diagnosed Gastric Flu.. -.-" gave me medication but didn't work. because i vomit my lunch after taking my medicine. -.-" den night time after dinner took medicine still felt nauseating.

Friday morning went to work, had very light breakfast still vomitted again. Had light lunch still vomitted. went back to doctor after lunch and doctor tells me ' you have to go on clear fluids now. just like on drips. you can even forget abotu porridge or noodles already. just plain clear fluids' and she gave me a list of drinks that i can only take which out of it mostly i dont like except for water. So i was still a smart alec on friday night to still pinch on some food which i still vomitted after eating and i gave up!

I didn't eat anything on saturday and sunday. well, actually i was too hungry on sunday so i took a white bread bit by bit. was okay.

Today i thought since i didnt eat for 2 days and yester i took bread was okay, i thought i can eat. Had fish soup and vomitted again after that. hai... i gave up..

i guess i need to 'fast', totally FAST another few days. omg.. i'm like so so so hungry la!!! =(

If i still don't get well, i'll need to go back to the doctor and she'll have to recommend me to go for scope. OH MY GOD!! i'd never want that!!! ='( how to get well?? sigh... why don't just let me go hospital! -.-"

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back track a little to Saturday...
My cute miss dearest warmest cousin Jiabao. Somehow 'arranged' a 'match-making' session date for me. -.-" Well not exactly though. This guy by the name of Stanley, is actually Lucas's friend. We went out all together a few times. First time was like 2 CNY ago. LOL!! I'll never forget that night because this guy gave me a shock. further details shall not be disclosed here. hahah. anyway she made us go out together, just two of us, for a movie at TM. we watched Eagle Eyes. Well, he's quite a nice guy, but also a very shy one. haha =X well. i'm also a little though. cos don't really talk much also. The whole thing was very funny la. After movie went to cheers to get my wonder drink 100plus to quench my thirst and hunger and energy. and jiabao and lucas came to meet us outside cheers. The most wonderful thing i came to find otu was - Jiabao and Lucas was actualyl just sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND US IN THE CINEMA!!! -.-" goodness gracious. what a nice wonderful cousin she is right? =) -.-" but still i enjoyed myself la.. and of course will look forward to more. =X heehee....
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Yesterday night went to my Aunt's house to celebrate my Grandmother's 70th Birthday, Mother's side. blah blah blah.. den went to meet up with buddee Fusheng and friends. =) had a nice chat with them la. like gathering. My buddee's birthday is coming.. 18th oct.. after that will be TF's.. haha.. thinking about birthday for TF and me will be so funny. only we know what's going on. RIGHT TF?!?!?! ahaha... whatever nonsense you're gonna say again.... my neck is getting long!!! beware i may die anytime so stop keeping me waiting.. thank you ! haha....~

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